Sunday, December 5, 2010

Cleaning Out the Closets

Just over a month has gone by since we found out about the cancer.  Time does fly when you’re having fun, and I guess even when you’re NOT.   The time went to countless Doctor appointments, two port-a-caths, a visit to the ICU, trips to Salt Lake, (Craig knows how many pot holes there are on the way to Huntsman), phone calls from friends going to the grocery store, countless desserts brought to the house, meals brought in, hand sanitizer, Ensure bottles, lots of hugs, even more tears, and countless blessings.

We start chemo again on Wednesday the 7th.  It still amazes me how fast the nausea starts.  I really thought it would take longer to hit, but it kicked in about 3 hours after we got home from the first visit. They will be adding some other chemical this time that Craig didn’t get last time so we hope that it doesn’t change things too much.  Craig’s best day this past week was Tuesday.  He was able to work from his office in the family room, in his lazy boy, every day.  Toward the end of the week the pain was getting a little worse each day.  To be blunt, it’s a battle to find the right mix to keep things “GOING” well.  We just have to find the happy medium between the Miralax and chemo.  Maybe too much information but this is what is on my mind right now.         

 Ok, I’m coming out of the closet, so to speak.  I have struggled with anxiety since high school, but have not wanted anyone to know.  I have been on and off of medication, but mostly off feeling that I wasn’t a regular person if I had to be on a pill to make me normal to deal with life. Who was I to think that I was normal in the first place?  But again, pride would get in the way. I hid my problems from almost everyone.  Craig kept telling me that I needed to tell my friends so that I had their support when I needed it.  I even went to a therapist to work through some things, which helped for a little while.  The joke between Craig and I was, “Marsha has been seeing Dr. Ruth the past few months and is doing much better now” (her name was really Ruth).  We joked about putting it in the Christmas letter that year.   I recently began working again with my doctor to find the right mix of “normal”, and have decided that sharing my imperfections with family friends will be an essential part of the therapy.  It may take some time to get the perfect blend.  Those who have not experienced these feelings may not fully understand.  Since we’ve met our medical deductible and feel it’s time to get everything tuned up I’ve decided to follow up with the “works”, medically speaking.  I was thinking that a trip to California might kill several birds with one stone, as a trip through the TSA scanners could replace a mammogram, and other procedures.  Plus, it would be very therapeutic.  Anyway, that’s just a thought.

I have had people offer to do so many things for us.  They say, “How can we make your burden lighter?”  It is amazing how people are willing to help and it is all so appreciated.  Many times I have no idea what to tell them, and sometimes they know better than I what I need.  One friend came over and said, “Take off your shoes; I’m giving you a foot rub”. Seriously, after having worn my tennis shoes all day, she made me take off my shoes and started to rub my feet. After I got over the embarrassment, you almost had to wipe the drool off of my chin it felt so good, it was amazing.  I have since offered to give her one in return.

I joked in church today about “how many priesthood holders does it take to install a light bulb”, but having the Christmas lights on the house has brought the Christmas spirit to our home.  We are grateful to you.

Many of you have told us that you are having difficulty adding comments to the blog.  The easiest way to get the “Post a Comment” screen to appear is to click on the number of comments link below each post (see the image below).  We would love to hear from any of you.

We hope everyone’s Christmas shopping is going well and that you are staying in the Christmas spirit.  We need to keep all the things that go on at this time of year in perspective, and remember what we are really celebrating, which is the birth of Jesus Christ. 




  1. Dear Marsh- you know what a struggle our family has had and continues to have with anxiety. You're totally right...there's no one person to say what's normal. I've found that the only way I've been able to get through anxiety is to open up. SO, good job for "coming out of the closet." :) XOXO
    Love you all so so much.

  2. Marsha, thanks for "coming out of the closet". I think it is important for us to know what is going on with you to, so that we might be your support also. Never hesitate to share your needs. Shauna

  3. It was so good to see you at Costco Saturday. I miss seeing you at the school this year. And Marsha if it makes you feel better I have never thought of you as normal. You are way and above normal. You have always been there for me when I needed an ear to bend or anything else. Thanks for sharing on your blog. Hope the chemo will get better as they fine tune it for Craig. Hang in there and never stoop to just being normal.
    Love you!

  4. I know how you feel with the anxiety. Mine is usually pretty mild, but for about 6 weeks after I had Hudson, I thought I was crazy. Ok, maybe I am crazy, but it was almost too much to handle. I remember the first time I left him. I needed to get out of the house because I was very stir crazy, so I left him with Jaron. I went to the store and had to have James drive me because I couldn't focus on anything. The best way to describe it is "tunnel vision" My mind would not go anywhere except to my baby at home, which defeated the whole purpose of leaving. Even when I was at home, I couldn't watch t.v. because I was so fidgity I couldn't sit still. Luckily that was the worst it ever got, but it was the worst thing I have ever gone through. I don't know how you would feel about trying an essential oil, but anything in the peppermint family is good for anxiety. You just rub it on the back of your neck. If you are interested, my mother in law orders these oils all the time and it would be pretty easy to get ahold of some. Lavender is also a good calming oil. Also, Frankincense is very good for cancer/tumors along with other things. I am definately not saying stop any treatments and just use the oil, but let me know if either of these sound like something you would want to try. We love you guys, and you are always in our thoughts.

  5. I struggle also with major anxiety also and you are so brave for sharing it is hard and I fully understand it too! Your are amazing and a rock for your husband and family you guy are awesome good luck with the next round Craig we will be thinking and praying for you.

  6. So your coming out of the not sure what Craig will say about that. Not sure what I think about it :) Marsha I love you just remember none of us are perfect and all of us need help in some way or another. To be honest I think it's great what your doing and very theraputic. Your the best thanks for sharing and thanks for your amazing example. xoxo

  7. marsha marsha marsha now that your out of the closet its nice to know your normal what every normal is all in the eye of the beholder so welcome welcome to the club... i hope treatment goes well this week and if u need any inside tricks to keep things going... well u know im your go to girl Ive got tricks up my well lets leave it at that xoxoxoxoxo

  8. Marsha,

    Given everything you're facing, I'd think you'd be abnormal if you weren't struggling with some anxiety, depression, and a little insanity to boot! We're all there at one time or another.

  9. We have been thinking of you guys and praying for you. I hope everything goes well! Burke's mom went through Chemo while we were dating. It's a bugger! The side effects are tough too. Good luck with everything...

  10. Craig, Marsha and Family,
    It has been a while since I have seen you all, but with my Mom and your Mom (Craig) keeping each other up to date on everything, I feel as though we still live next door to each other. Any way, I just want you to know that you are in our thoughts and prayers at this time. We pray that the Lord will bless you this Holiday Season and that you will find peace and comfort as you take on these trials.
    Our prayers are with you, Much love, Kris (Nilesen)Bloomfield